you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
