I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
