I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
