On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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