Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
