You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
