i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
this just has baby written all over it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
