I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
