I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
