sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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