My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
