so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
