hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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