just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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