The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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