The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
