That's when you crack a 10am beer
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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