she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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