My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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