I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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