Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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