i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
