last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
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I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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