My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
