So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
