sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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