Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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