don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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