I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
