You don't have asthma, your pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
