Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
