i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize