six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
