So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
