I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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