I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
