I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
