I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
