Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
