3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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