Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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