My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
