how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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