My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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