just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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