I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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