sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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