i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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