I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
