Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Vodka?
Forever.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
