what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
