what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
