I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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