Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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