I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
