Well apparently he's into motor boating.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
