I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
