i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You're earring is so big in my mouth
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
