did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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